"You’re not my real mum and you never will be…"

And she was right.  And therein lies the truth that makes being a step-mother one of the most complicated and all-consuming roles I have ever taken on.

If there was ever a situation designed not to work it is that of stepmother.  It goes against all of our natural instincts.   Those beautiful little girls didn’t choose me and I didn’t choose them but somehow we have to know how to unite as ‘mother’ and daughters.  We both love a common person, dad, and that is all we have to overcome all of the complex relationship nuances that are born out of this union. 

Wow, was I naïve.  I thought ‘this man needs me’, these gorgeous girls, who have lost their precious mum, need me and I am just the right person to step in and make it all ok.   If I knew then what I know now I don’t think I would have been so quick to jump in – but I did and to be brutally honest it’s been hard.  Never before have I second-guessed and doubted my feelings, my choices, my motives, my skills - my 'self'.  I seem to be in a constant inner battle – am I being too hard? - am I letting them get away with too much?  What would their real mother do, what would their real mother say?  What do I do?

And that’s only the half of it.  I am also trying to forge a new relationship with a wonderful man who is still grieving.  Our relationship is fragile and new.  It’s got potential and it feels nice but we have a long way to go. 

So we are balancing these new bonds of stepmother and child on top of a pretty shaking foundation.  I feel like a circus bear balancing on a unicycle while juggling three little balls in the air.