Teenage tantrums

We seem to be humming along quite well at the moment.  Most of the time we are on an even keel but now and again issues arise.

Lately I have started to notice the similarities in the behaviours of my two year old child and my 13 year step daughter.  I know that might sound flippant and unkind but it's true.  There are some real similarities when it comes to not getting their own way and then having a melt-down and storming off.

I've developed some strategies for these situations - try to keep conversations to a minimum, never ever lose your temper and best of all - don't look them in the eye and slowly, slowly creep out of the room.  

Power-less

Ahh the sweet smell of a slightly crazy teenager.  I try my hardest to keep a level head when dealing with the newly teenage step-daughter but she pushes me to the edge of reason.  I know I'm supposed to be the adult and act with reason but she just keeps on pushing until I (inevitably) burst.
The 'but why....?" question just keeps on coming with relentless repetition and I fall into the "I'm never going to go there.... but..... oh no....yes I just went there"..... "because I SAID SO!"

I don't seem to have any power when communicating with calm reasoning.  Unlike her father who calmly strolls in and says a couple of words and is obeyed.  To coin her phrase "ARGGHHH! It's so unfair."

She who can do no wrong

I was feeling pretty good.  Feeling like I was doing a really great thing by taking on these little girls who needed a mum and who had been through such a traumatic experience.

Wasn’t I wonderful?  Those girls would really think I’m great and be so thankful for all I have done for them.   Ahh, no...  It doesn’t work like that.  

I am a constant reminder that they have lost their beloved mother.  
(You're not my real mum...)
My mere existence is shrouded in a bitter/sweet feeling and has left their real mum on a pedestal – she who can do no wrong. Therefore, I do everything (well most things) wrong. 

Don't get me wrong.  It's not all bad.  These feelings pop up from time to time and it helps me to be able to get my feelings down in words. There are some issues that are particular to our situation and that seem to crop up again and again over time.  I'm not sure how I would ever get around this one.  Maybe I just need to work out how to not be effected by it.

"You’re not my real mum and you never will be…"

And she was right.  And therein lies the truth that makes being a step-mother one of the most complicated and all-consuming roles I have ever taken on.

If there was ever a situation designed not to work it is that of stepmother.  It goes against all of our natural instincts.   Those beautiful little girls didn’t choose me and I didn’t choose them but somehow we have to know how to unite as ‘mother’ and daughters.  We both love a common person, dad, and that is all we have to overcome all of the complex relationship nuances that are born out of this union. 

Wow, was I naïve.  I thought ‘this man needs me’, these gorgeous girls, who have lost their precious mum, need me and I am just the right person to step in and make it all ok.   If I knew then what I know now I don’t think I would have been so quick to jump in – but I did and to be brutally honest it’s been hard.  Never before have I second-guessed and doubted my feelings, my choices, my motives, my skills - my 'self'.  I seem to be in a constant inner battle – am I being too hard? - am I letting them get away with too much?  What would their real mother do, what would their real mother say?  What do I do?

And that’s only the half of it.  I am also trying to forge a new relationship with a wonderful man who is still grieving.  Our relationship is fragile and new.  It’s got potential and it feels nice but we have a long way to go. 

So we are balancing these new bonds of stepmother and child on top of a pretty shaking foundation.  I feel like a circus bear balancing on a unicycle while juggling three little balls in the air.   

Sophisticated lady?

Teen 13: Mum do you want my black jellybeans?
S-Mum: Yes please.  People who like black jellybeans are sophisticated (wink)
Child 10:  What does that mean?
S-Mum:  It means they're brainy (wink)
Child 10:  Oh......am I stiphisticated...?

Baby steps

Here I am.  Feeling like a newborn babe.  Trying to work out how to blog.  I've managed to get to the bit where I write something down so I'm feeling rather happy with myself.  
Why are you here?  I hear from the distance.  

Well I'm here to tell my story.  In the hope it might strike a chord with someone else in a position not unlike mine.  
I'm the step mum to two beautiful girls and a mum to a little cherub.  How did I get here?  
Well it's a long and complicated story and it's one that I'm sure others can relate to.

It all started in 2008.  I met a man. A very complicated man.  A widowed man with two little girls...

This is not him but I want to keep him anonymous so...hence...the bird.